In the United States, over 2,000 children go temporarily missing each day. Therefore, on a daily basis, at least 2,000 caregivers experience what is perhaps the scariest moment of their lives. These heart-stopping occurrences, however, don’t happen because the children are receiving inadequate care—even the best of parents can still lose their kids.
“… I felt like a terrible mother. All the kids came back except mine.”
Although some lost children are taken by abductors, a majority of the children who become separated from their parents do so on their own accord. And while the parent can eventually understand and cope with the emotions that come with a separation, does the child?
Are they able to move past the terrifying event, or do they hang onto these intense feelings?
Fear not, parents: We’re about to dive into the mind of a child, look at what happens when one is lost, and list what parents can do to keep them put.
Why do kids wander away?
How many times have you heard a devastated and terrified parent say, “I turned my back for just a second, and then he was gone?” No matter how devoted and focused a parent is on their child, there’s always a chance that they can slip away.
“They may walk over to see [something interesting] and forget how to get back to their parents.” This is precisely what happened to a mother from Lansdowne, Maryland, who lost her child in a state park: One moment he was there, and the next he disappeared. Back when her son was 4 years old, the mother—who wished to stay anonymous—and her family were attending a Memorial Day party in a pavilion at the park. Four of the moms took a few of the children—12 in total—to the park playground while the dads played softball nearby. When the family returned to the pavilion, the mother realized her son was the only child who hadn’t come back. “I started calling his name … I saw him cut between two parked cars in the parking lot [on the way to the pavilion],” she recalls. “… for some reason I just froze for a minute and bawled my eyes out.” The parents alerted the park security and took to the park trails to look for the toddler. Fifteen minutes later, the unfazed little boy was found. His reason for walking away from his family? A pair of bicycle riders. “He said he saw two guys on bicycles and wanted to see them jump over the stream and hills on the trail, and followed them after he went between the two cars,” she says. “He said the bikers asked if he needed help and he told them no, he wanted to watch them jump across streams.” Becoming distracted and then fixated on an object is a common reason for children to wander off, says Emily Driscoll-Roe, a clinical social worker at Kennedy Krieger Institute’s Center for Child and Family Traumatic Stress, in Baltimore, Maryland. “In an exciting, over-stimulating environment, like a store or fair, kids react to sights or sounds that are interesting, like a colorful display, candy counter, or escalator,” says Driscoll-Roe. “They may walk over to see it and forget how to get back to their parents.” And just when you thought you had that part figured out, here’s a curveball: they’ll do the same thing when they’re uninterested. “Conversely, a trip to the mall might be fun for parents, but can be terribly boring to their kids,” Driscoll-Roe says. “Kids may wander off looking for action, or may look for a place to rest or even to hide.” And if they do find themselves away from you, your children are likely to feel some very grown-up feelings. Shock, fear, guilt, and despair are some of the emotions that parents and caregivers often feel when they realize they don’t know where their child is. If they find their child soon after, they can feel the worst worry and best relief of their lives in just a matter of minutes. Children, as well, can experience a wide range of feelings when they’re away from their family, but it may not be as bad as parents think. “When a child is lost, they may have a variety of emotions,” says Driscoll-Roe. “Some may not have emotions at all while others may experience intense fear and anxiety. Some kids may not even realize that they are lost until their adult finds them.” If the child becomes lost frequently, however, the traumatic experiences may have a debilitating impact. “If children get lost frequently, they may become resistant to going out in public and may develop separation anxiety,” says Driscoll-Roe. “They may lose confidence in themselves or in their parents to keep them safe.” Fortunately, parents and caregivers can take steps to lessen the chances of losing their children when they are out in a public place. Parents are under more scrutiny now than ever. When social media didn’t exist, parents could mess up without worrying their mistake would be plastered all over the World Wide Web. Nowadays, angry bloggers and parent-shamers can drag your name through the mud before you even get home to check your laptop. “Talk to people who have a sense of humor about parenting, and you will find an ally.” —Emily Driscoll-Roe Parents are also quick to judge those who lose their children. After she lost hers in the park, the anonymous mother kept what happened a secret. “I didn’t tell anyone for a while because I felt like a terrible mother,” she says. “All the kids came back except mine.” Sadly, this mother isn’t alone in neglecting to tell others about her experience for fear she would be criticized. Parents are quick to shame other parents for things they fear will happen to them. “I think the idea of losing ones’ kids is so scary to parents that they can react by getting judgmental,” Driscoll-Roe says. “Some parents have their own personal childhood experiences with getting lost and are very reactive as a result. But it’s important to remember that even the most attentive parents can lose a child in public. It only takes a second for a child to wander off.” If you’re taking slack from others, remember that you’re not alone and that many moms and dads have endured what you have, as well. “Hopefully, parents have that one friend, sibling, or parent who is supportive and can relate because it happened to them,” says Driscoll-Roe. “Talk to people who have a sense of humor about parenting, and you will find an ally.” She also suggests seeking the help of a therapist if the event or subsequent judgment from others is affecting the parent’s confidence, sleep, mood, or willingness to go out in public with their children. Being in charge of your own life is difficult enough, but when you add tiny humans to the equation, your situation can become madness. No one is perfect, and you are the best person to raise your child, even if they just happened to leave your sight.The Emotional Effects of Getting Lost
Putting the Odds in Your Favor
Getting Past the Judgment