You know the people that we’re talking about: the people who you think shouldn’t be allowed in the gym. They should have their memberships revoked. Better yet, there should be posters of them hanging all over the gym that read, “Wanted for being obnoxious.” Sometimes they know who they are and sometimes they don’t. Most of them they don’t care. But we do! The gym is supposed to be our sanctuary. The place where we find peace and a new attitude. When these people are around, they give us a bad one. According to a survey conducted by a British health agency, a whole lot of us hate the offenders at the gym. Out of the 2,000 people who were polled, 74 percent said that people who share the same gym as them were guilty of bad etiquette. Tsk tsk. We think Dear Abby would shake her head at our trainers’ list of the worst people in the gym. (And before you get too upset, ease up! It’s tongue-in-cheek, friends.)
The woman who talks loudly on her cell phone.
You know her plans for Friday night, what she ate for breakfast, and about the fight with her mom. Heaven forbid you shush her.
The guy who leaves his huge weights all around.
They’re everywhere for you to trip over. You can’t get to the incline bench because he’s got them stacked up. But don’t even think of touching one—he’s using those!
The old man who sweats everywhere and doesn’t clean it up.
There’s nothing like lying down and realizing your head is in pool of someone else’s smelly sweat.
The lady who leaves her three-pound dumbbells on the treadmill.
Are you supposed to put them back for her? Why is she using dumbbells on there anyway?
The exercise-aholic who spends four hours on the elliptical.
You think if you stare at her long enough she’ll get the hint…but she never does.
The picture perfect Instagram model who traipses around the locker room in her thong and a belly chain.
…As everyone else hides behind their minuscule locker room doors trying to get dressed in Guinness Record time.
The skinny wanna-be grunting as he chest presses 32 pounds.
You want to tell him to shut up, but you feel guilty kicking someone’s mojo to the curb.
The muscle dude who usurps the mirror.
He watches every muscle being flexed like it’s art work. Every single one of them. Even his forearms.
The wannabe trainer who gives unsolicited advice.
Do you really care that pressing your leg up higher will allow for the last five degrees of knee extension to develop your vastis medialis better?
The old lady who tells you endless stories about her grandchildren while you’re on the bike.
We can’t really complain too much about her. She’s annoying but she’s just a sweet, old lady in the gym.
The guy who brags about what a great athlete he used to be.
We’re so happy he used to run a sub-four-minute mile. Thrilled that he played defensive end in college. Ecstatic that he was the superstar center in high school. We just don’t want to hear about it—again.
The middle aged woman eating the most fattening peanut butter smoothie on the Stairmaster, complaining that she never loses weight.
You can hardly understand her between slurps.
People who walk into class 10 minutes late and leave 20 minutes early.
And they always traipse through and disrupt the entire class to get to an open place. Then they traipse back before the class ends because they have a hair appointment.
The college kid who smells like a bar from the night before.
A whole lot of questionable choices last night? We thought so. We can smell it coming out of his pores!
The aerobics queen who saves her spot with a towel.
God help the person who moves that towel.
The mom who just came back from “bootcamp.”
She lost five inches around her hips, four inches around her waist, three around her calf, and gained one inch on her arm (but the trainer says that’s from muscle.) Oh and she reassures you that this time she will keep up the diet and workout. Just in case you were worried.
Anyone who says they’re sweating out their toxins.
Why do they feel like they need to announce it to everyone within hearing distance? Like anyone cares that the toxic macroparticles are currently being forced out through their pores?
Annoying people harassing you for obscure pieces of equipment.
“Do you know if they have a Nautilus 45-degree incline chest press with a pec deck attachment?” “I really wish they had a Bowflex. That’s the only piece of equipment that works.”
The guy who steals every dumbbell on the rack.
…And keeps them all by “his” bench. Or worse, he takes just one of the pair.
The cranky dude who won’t let you work in.
He pretends to be engrossed in his music. Or he closes his eyes in between sets. Or he flat out tells you, “No. I only have six more sets.”
The wannabe singer
Don’t you love the one belting Beyonce at the top of her voice with her Beats headphones on? She needs singing lessons and doesn’t know the right words to the song.
The skinny guy who copies everything you do.
He sneakily looks over his shoulder and watches you do hammer curls. Then he starts doing them. He sees that you turn your hands when you do side lateral raises. He does the same and thinks you don’t notice. It’s great people want to try new things, but do they have to be so creepy about it?
The cheesy dude who tries to pick you up.
“I see you like the rotating stair machine. So do I! That’s so cool.” “Mind if I plank with you?” “Your abs look awesome when you crunch.” “Those are my favorite sneakers.”
The mom who won’t stop texting.
As you’re waiting for her to get off the machine. But wait, she’s gotta find her reading glasses. Then she reads her texts out loud as she types and tells you when she makes a mistake.
The dude who works out on top of you.
There’s 10,000 square feet for him to do his front raises and the gym is half empty. But he’s gotta work out right next to you.
The circus performer who shows off.
Whether he’s doing pushup handstands, jump squats onto a balance ball, or one-legged box jumps. He’s waiting for you, and everyone else, to notice and, what, start clapping?
The creeper who hits on your significant other in front of you.
All you want to do is workout with your SO and this one keeps talking to them, “one-upping” you, or giving them a flirtatious smile.
Knee wraps, chalk dust, and stupid training onesies. We’ll say no more.
The middle-aged woman who keeps giving you dirty looks because you’re talking with your friend.
She thinks the gym is an extension of her house. Or a library.
The naturalist with no shoes or shirt.
Let’s keep it classy, buddy. No one wants to smell your stinky feet or check out the one layer of a six pack that you finally developed.
The girl who does stiff-legged deadlifts…in a thong…in the middle of the gym…on a platform.
Yup. You know her.